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I married a narcissist: Part one

The question that changed everything for me.

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“You are married to a very nasty man and you need to leave immediately.” It’s the only phrase I can reliably say in a half decent South African accent because it will be forever emblazoned on my brain.

I had gone to my first marriage counselling session — alone — because I couldn’t figure out why my relationship felt so different than in the beginning. Why I didn’t feel able to inspire the same kind of love in my husband as I did when we first met.

In that moment my brilliant counsellor, I think, dropped all her professional boundaries and just told me what I needed to know. She wasn’t going to dance around the situation, helping me explore my relationship with my parents for months on end before giving me a hint that I was married to someone who was emotionally and psychologically abusing me.

No. She too had been married to a narcissist. A man who had gaslit her and cheated on her, and in that moment she dropped her guard and became less of a therapist and more like an Aunt, who was just sharing her life’s wisdom with me. I’ll be forever grateful to her for that.

But I’ll also never forget what it felt like for someone I instantly felt I could trust, to pull out the pin and throw a grenade into my life. For the whole rest of the session, and for several days following that revelation my head was swimming. I was in turn, afraid, in denial and paranoid. I started to check for signs that I was being surveilled in my own home. Where there cameras and recording devices around? Had he put a tracker on my car? Did he know that I now knew that he was a narcissist?

And between the grenade and the paranoia, something else. Something I never expected: Shame. I never knew until that moment how harshly I had judged divorce and those who got divorced. That wasn’t meant to be me. I was special. I had chosen the right man and our union was forever. We definitely weren’t going to be part of the statistic: 42% of marriages end in divorce in the UK and over half of these fail in the first 10 years.

It was the shame that made me think the craziest thoughts. (Yeah, crazier than “Can he hear my thoughts now I know he’s a narcissist?”) Thoughts like “getting divorced is shameful enough. I’ll stick it out for 10 years. That’s a respectable length of time to be married. Then we’ll get divorced.” Thoughts like “I’ll fulfil my life with my friends, my dogs and my career. I’ll just keep my marriage ticking over in the background.” (As long as I was successful enough and not becoming overweight or complaining, my husband would have never left me — I was his narcissistic source.)

Thankfully, after these bordering on insane, self abusive thoughts had subsided, a question appeared in my mind. “What will your 60 year old self say to your 30 year old self?”

To expand, a vision of my future self, 30 years down the line, would come to me. She would be lying in bed, the morning sunlight dancing across her face as she roused from her slumber, in her bought and paid for Brooklyn brownstone. She ran a successful coaching and speaking business and was an author several times over. She had much of what she desired in her life. But next to her lay a husband, 14 years her senior, ageing ungracefully, having systematically drained the life out of her as he drained the love, energy and finances out of her too. He had spent the last thirty years riding on the coat tails of her success, her fame, her wealth, her status. He had gotten his dream of living in New York thanks to her. She would slip out of bed quietly, so as not to disturb him — so she could take some time for herself alone, to try to recoup her energy, to connect with those friends she loved so dearly and her beloved fur babies. She would sit at her marble kitchen island sipping a cortado, and she’d look down at her aged hands and think of her 30 year old self. She’d think “Why didn’t you leave when you were young? What were you so afraid of? That you wouldn’t be able to start again? Why have you given your life to this person? Why have you given your opportunity to be loved and have a family of your own — if you so wanted — away? How can you coach women to leave abusive and unsatisfying situations when you’re too scared to leave your own— don’t you feel like a fraud?”

I couldn’t answer her. I couldn’t let 60 year old me down like that. I knew in that moment that I would rather feel ashamed and alone and like a failure for a few years in my early thirties, than look back on decades of my life and regret everything I had chosen to sacrifice, for fear of being divorced and judged.

Tomorrow would have been our 4th wedding anniversary. I’ve been separated from my husband for around 18 months and our divorce was finalised just over 9 weeks ago, at the time of writing. I can tell you that I feel no shame about getting divorced. I feel no shame about choosing a better, more honest, more loving life for myself. I feel no shame about speaking about my codependency and my experiences with narcissistic abusers. I feel no shame that I was brave enough to do something that terrified me and live to tell the tale. I feel no shame that I picked myself up, figured out my life and got myself into a situation where I could support myself and leave. I feel no shame.

If you are stuck in an abusive situation and shame holds you back from speaking your truth to whomever can help you get out and get safe, take my story as an example of someone who has walked the path before you. Reach out, organise your shit and for the love of all that is sacred, leave while there is still life in you. No. Shame.

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My online codependence recovery course: Lovingly Fierce is out now. Find out if it’s for you, here.

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This is what codependency feels like

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This is what codependency feels like.

Like a trapeze artist swinging high up in the air, searching for something else to hold onto.

Like a small boat in the ocean that has lost it’s anchor.

Like a ballon that has slipped the hand of the child holding it.

Codependency feels like free fall, being terrifyingly untethered, always searching for an anchor.

Our anchors are people, places, pets, things and life situations — jobs, relationships, businesses.

When we don’t have an anchor we seek one out. It never takes long. We are expert emotional manipulators. We know what a single person, or a whole room needs from us and we give it. We’re good at that too — giving. Giving until there is nothing left of us and we become bitter and resentful.

We are simultaneously loving, caring, compassionate, generous and on the surface happy and chill. We are also manipulative, scheming, controlling, hyper conscious and often secretly highly strung, needing everything to be just so, on our timeline.

We define ourselves by what we can give to and do for other people. We outsource our happiness to others. We live vicariously through their joy. So it follows that we would become experts in provoking that joy (ever heard someone say “I’m a people pleaser”?), because it feeds us.

What works even better for a codependent is being able to “fix” someone. That’s why we often end up with addicts or bad boys or weirdos that our friends never could quite get their heads around.

For people who thrive off the definition of who and what they are in relation to others, there is no greater satisfaction than sobering up a drunk or taming a serial cheat or giving a nerdy / awkward / shy person a physical, social, emotional and PR makeover.

That’s where the control piece comes in. We want to fix and change and mould the people close to us, into what we think is good and correct. We have a fundamental lack of self esteem and yet we think we know best.

You see, we also have this gross (always gives me the chills when I think about it) simultaneous superiority / inferiority complex. Secretly, to ourselves, we think we are better than everyone else, and we try our damnedest to show it but never say it. We give more and are better than most at pinpointing exactly what needs to be given because we can emotionally read people as though they had an instruction manual pinned on their forehead. We often will also sacrifice great chunks of our time, energy, even money to learn a new skill or improve an existing one so we can deliver what is required and provoke the emotions we want from others like a pro.

How does that manifest? Perhaps like this…

Your team loves cake. You spend most weekends and way too much money at the grocery store making culinary masterpieces to take to the office on Monday. You don’t even like cake that much, but God does it feel good to watch your gooey fingered colleagues grin with delight as they scoff down another batch of of your fudge brownies.

Your crush loves hair metal. You spend hours a day boning up on Spotify and Genius and Google finding out the names of the bands, where they’re touring, their classic albums and the lyrics to the songs. You manage to get 2 tickets to a long ago sold out gig, at an insanely inflated cost, but, really, it was no big thing!

Everyone thinks you’re amazing! You do too. You planned it that way.

And the inferiority part? Despite this outward facade of awesomeness, inside we feel we are fundamentally worthless unless we are either attached to, achieving or orchestrating something successful. Something outside of ourselves. We are excellent at doing and struggle horribly with being.

We are kind and controlling.

We are generous and manipulative.

We are both victim and perpetrator.

This is what codependency feels like.

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My online codependence recovery course: Lovingly Fierce is out now. Find out if it’s for you, here.

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Dear straight men: Stop using lesbian as an insult

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I am sick and tired of straight (in my experience, always white) men using the word and the concept “lesbian” as an insult.

When you don’t get what you want from me: I’m a lesbian.

When I stand up for myself and my friends and speak back: I’m a lesbian.

When I make you uncomfortable or reject you: I’m a lesbian.

I have short hair and a nose piercing and a fierce sense of style you cannot wrap your head around: I’m a lesbian. (Yes, seriously.)

Firstly you need to know that “lesbian” is not an insult. I don’t happen to be gay but it doesn’t offend me when you try to say that I am. It does offend me that you think you can somehow belittle me by suggesting that I am, that somehow, the ‘accusation’ that I am attracted to women and not you or your immature behaviour, means I am less than. That is very fucking offensive. Homophobic, actually. I know the lesbians of the world have plenty of fantastic spokespeople, more eloquent and qualified to speak on the topic than me, but there is nothing embarrassing, shameful, weird or bad about being a gay woman.

Secondly, you’ve obviously been too busy not coming up with wittier, more relevant, actual insults, because you haven’t noticed that lesbian power couples are a force for good, taking over the world with their money, their power, their creativity, activism and their general badassery. A woman is badass enough when she knows she has female friends in her corner who will back her up unequivocally. Try a woman with a female life partner in her corner. She becomes untouchable.

Thirdly, and this is really point number one reiterated, but it bears repeating, your insult just doesn’t sting. It confuses me, sure. It bores me straight (pardon the pun). But hurt me? Nope. It’s somewhere between a totally fucking moot point and a compliment. See above.

What do you get out of calling me a lesbian? Does it make you feel superior? More manly? Like I’m a miserable bitch because I’m missing something in life and that something is your dick? Really, if you’re reading this — I’d love to know.

I can tell you what I get out of it. If I didn’t already — admittedly it’s usually not the first sign—I now know exactly what calibre of person you are. I know that I won’t be associating with you any further. You’re not witty, or clever or funny, or worth my time. I also feel just a little bit of pride, because if calling me a lesbian means that:

a) You will now leave me the fuck alone because you know there is nothing for you here and…

b) That I get in any way to be associated with Ellen, Portia, Sara, Holland, Billie Jean, Glennon, Abby, Jodie, Beth et al…

I’m in.

PS. Lesbian power couples are not a modern phenomenon. Check out this article to read more about women from history who teamed up in life, politics, business and activism to get shit done.

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How do I know when it's time to go?

How do you know when to leave your abusive / addicted / narcissistic partner?

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Many people will try to answer this question for you — well meaning friends, concerned family members, strangers on the Internet — but they can’t. Only you know the answer to this question. The trouble is when you’re stuck in an abusive situation with an addict or a narcissist you’re being gaslit and having your sense of self degraded on a daily basis. Some days you don’t even know what you want to eat, never mind how or when to make one of the biggest, most heart wrenching decisions of your life.

I know, because I was there. A marriage counsellor told me to get out as soon as I could. It took me another 18 months of figuring out what was happening, dancing around the situation, testing him, learning about abusive relationships, being in then out, then in again. I even left once for about 6 weeks. I packed my things while he was away at work, tucked my full-to-bursting car around the corner and drove to stay with a friend 300 miles away the next day — fur babies in tow. I came back though, on the promise of change, always the promise of change. But I think I knew that was the last time.

I’m happily divorced now, but I always say to people who ask that no one gets married because they want to get divorced. Certainly no one who is genuinely in love with their partner imagines that’s how their marriage will end. So before I could end my marriage, I had to know I had tried everything. I had to know I’d given it my best shot and it simply wasn’t going to work. I could only meet him half way, and if he wasn’t willing to (or couldn’t, in the case of a narcissist, it’s just not how they’re built) walk the other half, I was out.

So I cannot tell you the answer to your question but I can do these things:

a) Tell you my story. Check out my profile and read my stories of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

b) Give you a list of questions to ask yourself to try to help clarify some of the answers you are so desperately seeking when you want to know if it’s time to leave. That list is below…

Ask yourself these questions. The answers may not come straight away. You may need to ask them every day until you get clarity. You might want to write them down somewhere. But the answers must come from you. You are the only one who can know when it’s times to go, and you are the only one who can make that move.

  1. Is this what I want from my life?

  2. Do I honestly think he / she / they will ever change / love me as I want to be loved?

  3. If the answer is yes, how long will that take? Am I willing to give up that much of my life to find out?

  4. What will I do if they don’t change?

  5. How much more of myself do I want to give to this relationship?

  6. Am I more afraid of being alone / feeling untethered than I am of staying in an abusive / draining / unfulfilling situation?

  7. What else in my life suffers when I stay in this relationship? (My energy? My other relationships? My work? My body? My self worth? My finances?)

  8. Am I constantly looking for advice / someone to tell me to leave? Am I hoping the next person I ask will have the magic bullet that makes me trust them and take their word and give me the courage to go?

I hope this list helps. I hope you get the clarity you need to move into a happier and more fulfilling stage in your life.

You deserve real love and connection.

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My online codependence recovery course: Loving Fierce is out now. Find out if it’s for you, here.


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Narcissists feed off all your emotions  - good or bad

Why you feel drained in relationship with a narcissist, all the time.

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It took me quite a while (like about 30 years) to figure out that narcissists feed off of all your emotions, good and bad. I mean technically they are still human beings so of course they would prefer your good vibes, but if they can’t get those, any emotional response will do. They just need to be fed.

Narcissists in their younger lives experience some form of trauma — it could be anything from an emotionally unavailable parent to addiction in the family, to a teacher that belittled them, to physical or sexual abuse — which triggers a deep shame response in them. The depth of the shame response and the lack of cultivated resilience (which would otherwise have been developed with the help of healthy supporting emotional structures — family, guardians, mentors) triggers the need to cut off that part of the emotional body.

I envisage that the shame creates a blackness, and if the emotional body matches the physical body in stature and shape, the blackness is pushed deep down into the gut, and that part of the body is sealed shut. The aim of the narcissist is to never have to access or deal with this pit of shame.

The issue with shoving all your shame and perceived darkness away is that human beings are creatures of contrast. We are not only one thing, always. We must experience both sides of all things to fully understand and contextualise our own existence. We cannot appreciate sweet if we have never tasted salty. We cannot fully appreciate joy if we have not experienced pain. And the extent to which we can feel and experience one thing in life opens up the potential to experience it’s equal and opposite force just as deeply.

So when you lock away all your deepest pain, as narcissists do, you equally cannot access your own positive emotions, that are created and truly come from within. Narcissists can absolutely respond to stimuli — pride at a promotion at work, or satisfaction at a new car. They can also mimic emotions they have seen other people express, such as happiness at a wedding, but they cannot feel true inner joy, contentment, pleasure or peace. They can only leach these feelings from others. Narcissists specifically go in search of people who are emotionally open or vulnerable — such as codependents, empaths, intuitives and highly sensitive people. They fit together like a hand in a glove. Codependents and empaths need to feed and narcissists need to be fed. Codependents and empaths need to heal and narcissists have a wound that can never be healed.

So if you find yourself in relationship with a narcissist you have become their source. They cannot draw power from their own inner source because they cut that off long ago. They can only draw power from outside themselves. It’s like your neighbour tapping into your electricity supply because theirs got cut off and you’re left wondering why your bill is so high every month.

When you become the source for a narcissist what you must realise is that they draw their energy from your negative emotions as well as your positive ones. If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist you will notice that when they cannot illicit a good response from you, they will simply do more to provoke a bad one. Rage is not as pleasant a drug to swallow as love, but it is as potent to the narcissist. Because narcissists cannot access their emotions, they cannot feel empathy, so they care little for how damaging it is to make you angry, miserable, rageful, bitter or scournful. They will either simply manipulate you back to an equilibrium with them or they will discard you for a better, less worn out source.

When you understand this, you can finally understand that the only way to be released from narcissistic abuse is not to try to heal them, or love them more, or try harder, or be kinder, but to get out. Your pain feeds them as much as your love and joy. You cannot kill them with kindness. They eat it up. You cannot scream them into submission. It recharges them all the same. A narcissist wants whatever you have to give, with nothing offered in return.

The sanest thing you can do is unhook their supply completely and get out.

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My online codependence recovery course: Lovingly Fierce is out now. Find out if it’s for you, here.

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Why Hire a Coach?

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Why Hire a Coach?

There are many reasons to work with a life / health / business / creativity / relationship [delete as applicable] coach. I want to share some of the most impactful ones, from my perspective as a spiritual life coach and a client of coaches for many years now.

First off I get that “hiring a coach” could not be a less British phrase if it tried, not in its vocabulary or it’s intent. Things are definitely changing over here in the UK. Our culture is gently shifting towards seeing the value in a positive outlook on life, a more holistic and healthy lifestyle and continued personal development, whether it’s through a regular yoga practice, meditating with the Headspace app (which has done an awesome job of making meditation acceptable in the mainstream) or keeping a gratitude journal. But it’s not yet the norm to hire a coach. Our stiff upper lip culture stigmatizes self initiated personal development and sees making positive changes for your own wellbeing as, in turn, “soft”, “mad”, “weird”, “flaky” and “pointless” (or whatever the term in your dialect is.)

But, the tide is turning. Our old school entrenched culture does not apply to everyone, particularly in this digital age. With the advent of the Internet we are opened up to a whole new world of ideas, opportunities and ways of life. I guess that’s why almost all personal development coaches that I’m aware of are online based. There’s a new frontier of people, from all generations, who are choosing differently and seeing the value in getting support. Yes we enter the world alone, and we die alone, but that massive bit in the middle that we call life? We spend it with other people. So it only makes sense that we call on the gifts, skills and experience of others to help us along. And as I’ll explain later in this post, there’s something really impactful about hiring one of those human bods who does this work professionally…


One of the most valuable things about hiring a coach is having someone who sees things for you that you cannot see yet. Someone whose faith you can lean on until yours appears, or reappears. Sometimes when your ego is strong, when it's got you stuck in low level discontent and playing small, it can be hard to see the opportunities and possibilities beyond the emotional fog. The double whammy your ego provides when it’s in overdrive is that it also, by it’s very nature, knocks your confidence to the point where your dreams and desires appear in your mind as mere fantasies. From this place you can be driven to either take confused and ineffectual action or resign yourself to giving up on your dreams and desires altogether. Having someone who sees, holds and shares with you the truth of your potential in times like this is truly invaluable.

I know that in my own experience, having a coach who could hold the space of possibility and potential for me when all I could see was fear and self doubt, has gotten me to where I am today. Without that support I don’t doubt that I’d be stuck where I was 5 years ago, feeling frustrated and disempowered about how to move forward in my life.

You might be thinking “but I could just do it myself”… Usually followed by “…if I just got organized / motivated / confident enough”. And that’s exactly the point. If you could do it all by yourself, would you not have done it by now? A coach will help you to firstly, get clear on what it is you actually want, and secondly, help you create a strategy for attaining that goal, encouraging you, guiding you and providing accountability along the way. A caveat to this point: I have coached some of the most incredibly motivated and focussed people who have done a ton for themselves by the time they come to me for support. They also benefit hugely from having a coach. Added support is the secret sauce they add to their already magnificent recipe. If you’re a doer and go-getter, a coach will only help you to turbo boost and refine your efforts. The path of success is not a straight-forward upward curve. There are dips and plateaus along the way. Even the most motivated of people benefit from having a second set of eyes, ears and brain cells on their project during those dips and plateaus that inevitably show up on any authentic journey of progress.

Doubling back to my previous point about accountability, it’s a sad fact (not a scientific one, just one I’ve observed in my own life experience and career as a coach) that most of us tend to start out valuing our commitments to ourselves very little, especially if there’s nothing to anchor that commitment, such as sharing it with another person, or a down payment…


Which brings me to my next point. One of my coaches Heather Dominick, an incredible wise woman, who’s teachings will live with me forever, taught me that money is the energy of commitment. Think about it. You’re much more likely to turn up to your £50 personal training session than you are to turn up to the free yoga class at the community centre. That’s because money is in essence an energetic exchange. It’s a system we’ve devised to simplify value swapping. When we swap £50 for a personal training session we tell ourselves and another person that we value this time and effort and the end result we desire. So that’s why even if you have an incredibly supportive girl gang (or male / mixed gender / non defined equivalent) who totally get you and are with you all the way, it can still be incredibly helpful to for your own mindset to formalize your support strategy by entering into a relationship with a coach.

And my final fave benefit to hiring a coach is that you get all the shortcuts of their experience. Any good coach worth their salt will have done and continue to do their own personal and professional development work, experiencing their own highs, lows and painstaking plateaus. They’ll be a few steps ahead of you on the journey you want to take – whether it’s to business success, relationships heaven or spiritual enlightenment – and so will recognize and understand where you’re at and be able to share their wisdom, advice, support and yes, the best hacks to move forward in the most purposeful and impactful way.

This is especially helpful if what you want to achieve demands emotional / spiritual and practical progress (and I’ve yet to see a goal that doesn’t! Think starting a business, transforming your health…) Because quite frankly, that shit can get hard, man! When the going gets tough emotionally it can be really helpful to have someone on hand who can show you a swift, low resistance way through the practical pieces you’re working on. In my experience working with a coach simply speeds the whole process up – and I’ve yet to meet (or be!) a client who wants to take as long as possible to reach their desired destination!

I’ve used the term coach in this article because I truly believe that the coaching community offers the biggest, broadest scope of support that you might want or need, but I am also a huge advocate of creating a support team around you, as and when required, that includes more niche practitioners, including but not limited to healers, shamans, therapists, counselors, trainers, teachers and mentors. (Terribly un-British of me, I know!)

There are countless benefits to hiring a good coach, but these are some of my absolute favourites. I’d love to know… Have you worked with a coach before? What did you get from the experience? Anything you’d add about the experience of working with a great coach?

Has this post got you fired up and ready to go? If you want more of this good shiz, I want to invite you to join me on my upcoming webinar “Create you Most Inspired and Impactful Year Yet!” where I’ll be sharing why big radical resolutions don’t work, how to leverage yourself out of new year overwhelm before it’s too late and my ultimate top tip for living the life you truly desire.

Here’s the link to register for upcoming webinar Create Your Most Inspired and Impactful Year Yet! : https://app.webinarjam.net/register/33039/f45e83fea9

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In Defence of Stillness

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In Defence of Stillness

I know it’s not just me. Even my most dedicated and steadfast of clients have been feeling it in the last week. Side swiped that is. Totally and utterly taken out. Energetically, physically, emotionally.

2016 has been a motherfucker of a year. Incredible, full of lessons and growth opportunities for those of us willing to show up for them, but a motherfucker nonetheless. And it’s not going down without a fight. Just when you thought it was time to put this trip around the sun to bed, just when you thought it was safe to slip into the festive season, lubricated with your beverage of choice, wrapped in tinsel, swaying to Mariah, it delivers yet another smackdown.

For an action oriented babe like me this is not a comfortable space.  I like to be and do. But I’ve had to surrender. I had to make the conscious decision last week to slow it right down and put all my fancy plans back in their box until I resurface from the side swipe. And again, this does not come naturally to me. Yes, even though I teach it and preach, hell I even wrote a chapter on it in my book.

But I know – like in my gut, heart and soul – that more churn, more busyness, more turns on the hamster wheel are not going to serve me or those fancy ass plans right now. What I need now is time and space. Quietness. Stillness.

Because sometimes the most productive thing you can do is be still.

So I’m being über productive right now. Productive through stillness. I’m percolating, ruminating. Letting the dust settle and the inspiration appear.  And I can already feel it in my bones, 2017 is going to be one hell of a year, so might as well take the rest while I can get it.

I already have big plans for 2017. Things are shifting and transforming here at Spirit Deej HQ and in this time of stillness I’m getting the support I know I’m going to need if I’m going to grow as much as I want to.

If this strikes a chord with you, if you too are sitting in stillness (or have been resisting it!) but you know that 2017 is going to be your time for action and you’re ready to line up the support you know you’ll need I want to invite you to check out the new session of my brand new group programme One Big Thing.

Starting at the end of January One Big Thing is a kickass intimate group coaching programme to get you connected, inspired and motivated to do the one big thing you really desire to manifest in the new year.

There are 4 spaces available for babes who are ready to show up, heart, soul and two feet in, to get vulnerable and break through their blocks, leave upper limits, old stories and settling for ok at the door… And rock out one big thing (or more) in the first quarter of 2017.

Think spiritual and emotional support (the foundational stuff that underpins everything you do) combined with super practical support (the real world actions that makes shit happen). Private coaching. Group Coaching. Community. A whole Santa’s sack full of my best resources. What more could a girl need to power her through to the spring?

The early bird investment is only £850 (only available until 15th January) - and you can secure your spot with a totally do-able £100 deposit and set up a payment plan for the remainder that suits you. Click here to find out all the details and claim your spot.

So yeah, if you’re smart, you can totally have it both ways. You can have your stillness now. You can rest, recuperate, get inspired and percolate. AND you can line up support for the first quarter of 2017 like a badass. Nothing like a loving commitment to yourself and your dreams to put a weary mind to rest.


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Let Your Love Roar

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Let Your Love Roar

There is a difference between being honest and being rude and tactless. 

There is a difference between sharing your opinion in a calm, measured, open way and being confrontational and destructive. 

There is a difference between saying no and holding your boundaries and being obtrusive and self important. 

I call it loving fierceness. 

It’s when you are willing, with love and kindness in your heart and a neutral softness in your body language, to hold firm to your boundary and share your honest feelings and opinions, even if they are contrary to those you are sharing them with. 

It’s when you can be brave and centred enough to hold your ground and speak your truth, regardless of whether the people hearing / reading it will like it or not. 

It’s when you can find a way, with maturity and without insult, to own your feelings and allow others to own theirs. Because you get to choose how you feel and so does everyone else. (So stop trying to care take them before you open your mouth. Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes, above all else, it’s what we need to hear.)

There is a grand misconception that to be loving / spiritual / peaceful / meditative [delete as applicable] means to be passive, weak, quiet and ineffectual. Which is ironic really, when anyone with a serious spiritual practice will tell you that being actively spiritual is inherently about working with creative forces much bigger and more powerful than yourself and about making massive impossible seeming shifts on everything from the personal to the global level: AKA miracles. Nothing passive, weak or ineffectual about that. 

So take heart, decide what feels good and right for you from that most honest place inside you AKA your soul, and lovingly, fiercely, hold your ground, speak your truth and as you do, empower others to do the same.

Sometimes love is a whisper. Sometimes it is a roar. Be willing to let your love roar. 

If you’re ready to speak your truth, own your voice and love fiercely in your life I'd love to speak to you. I have 2 spaces open on my schedule for private coaching – if you’d like to claim your complementary Freedom Session with me to discuss how where you’re at now, where you want to be instead and how I could help you get there just click this link to book your slot with me >>> http://meetme.so/jowestwood

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PS. Fed up of feeling stuck, stagnant and powerless in your own life? Let me help you. Book your complementary Freedom Session with me here >>> http://meetme.so/jowestwood

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Women: It's Time to Reclaim Your Power

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Women: It's Time to Reclaim Your Power

Warning: Unabashed feminist essay comin’atcha. I’m talking women, money and power. Buckle up and prepare to get your buttons pushed, because I love you. 

 

Women, not all of us, but many of us have crappy money stories. We’re good at spending money and getting into debt but we’re not good at managing money and saving. Or we’re so good at saving that it turns into scrimping. We’re not good at valuing ourselves and asking for our worth at work. We have terrible boundaries around money and our worth as a whole. We let other people and situations run rough shod over the lines we draw that feel good to us. We work unpaid overtime. We accept CPD instead of a raise, instead of demanding as well as. Instead of energetically positioning ourselves so that the demand is not even required. So that those writing the cheques know what they need to do to ensure we are rightly compensated. We don’t charge enough then we over deliver. And we take those shitty money stories we were given, and like a fucking baton in a relay, we run with them. We take ownership of them and make them our own. And we wonder why Donald Trump and his cabinet of dangerous cronies (as a metaphor for all the old paradigm patriarchal leaderships in the world – at the heads of governments, companies, families…) are the ones in power. 

 

It’s because as women, again, not all of us, but too many of us, we give away our power. We give it away in terms of our boundaries and we give it away with how we manage – or don’t manage – our money. 

 

Here’s a simple truth: Money is power, and women are uncomfortable with power. The feminine way is not to compete, push and force, at the cost of others, but to collaborate, love and nurture. And that feels like it jars with power. It does jar with the patriarchal model of power. So we need to forge a new way. A way where power means collaboration. A way where power means the ability and resources to empower and lift others up. To support groups and causes that are doing important work in the world in a significant way. A way that honours our worth in a way that people like Donald Trump have been incredibly comfortable with for a very long time. It is insane that people like that (I really have no urge to explain or apologise for that judgement) have no qualms about their self worth and yet you sit there reading this – and feel free to ignore me on this if you’ve totally got your money story sorted and your wealth consciousness on point – feeling like you can’t own your boundaries, charge your worth, take the lead in your money story or be a total boss in your own life. Even if it means you could support causes that make you weep, and afford to do pro bono work for the most needy and vulnerable people. Even if it means that you feel totally powerless in the face of something that disturbs and perturbs you. Even if it means that your children are destined to follow in your footsteps of struggle. 

Women: It’s time to reclaim your power. It’s time to own your worth and your value. It’s time to stop being afraid of money and hiding from it. It’s time to sort your financial crap out. We need you, more that ever, empowered, with the resources to do something about it – whatever “it” is for you.  Empowering other women. Supporting environmental causes. Running as a serious political candidate. Or simply being fulfilled, lit up and divinely compensated in your work, which trust me, in and of itself makes positive ripples out into the world in immeasurable ways. 
 
Here is a reading list that I recommend for helping you with your wealth consciousness and self worth story: 

Sacred Success and Overcoming Underearning both by Barbara Stanny
The Abundance Book by John Randolph Price
Worth Every Penny by Sarah Petty and Erin Verbeck
Doing Magic, Becoming Magic, Advanced Magic and Becoming Rich all by Genevieve Davis
 
And finally, I recommend getting support. If this post hit home, hard, if you’ve been struggling with your wealth consciousness for a looong time, if you still can’t get a handle on your self worth, it might be time to call in the cavalry. How much longer are you willing to discount your money story and disown your power? How much longer are you willing to stay stuck in not-quite-enough or not-nearly-enough? 

If you’re ready to step up and own your power, I’d love to talk to you. I have 2 spaces open on my schedule for private coaching – if you’d like to claim your complementary Freedom Session with me to discuss how where you’re at now, where you want to be instead and how I could help you get there just click this link to book your slot with me >>> http://meetme.so/jowestwood

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[LIMITLESS LIFE SERIES] CASE STUDY: "HOW TO" DOESN'T WORK - THE REAL WORK DOES

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[LIMITLESS LIFE SERIES] CASE STUDY: "HOW TO" DOESN'T WORK - THE REAL WORK DOES

One of my dearest clients Elizabeth* is one of the most qualified, experienced, talented and smart women I know (and I know some pretty kickass women).

In fact, in a recent coaching session with her I told her "You know more than me." 

She replied "About what?" 

I said "Everything." 

And I have no shame in telling you that I know I have a client who knows more than me.

She's done more training than me, read more books than me and had more life experience than me. 

But because there were some deep historical blocks holding Elizabeth back she didn't realise that. Or perhaps she did. But those old blocks, those old stories, those old patterns wouldn't let her move forward into fully owning her truth and her self worth. 

They kept her stuck, thinking that if she just got some more training, if she just did another course, if she just knew what was in this book or that webinar, then she'd be "enough".

(Caveat: Getting the professional training you require to do your work well is a good thing to do, and continuing your personal and professional development is also a good thing to do, but not if it is a sophisticated avoidance technique to stop you actually doing the work you came here to do.)

Elizabeth is also a really smart and experienced businesswoman, who has not only run a real life (yep, not even an online, but a real life) 7 figure business and now knows everything one human being could ever wish to know about online marketing and sales funnels. 

So she definitely didn't need to know anymore about what I would call "surface level" stuff. She had enough information. But all the "how to", all the "just effin' do it" advice, all the pushy, forceful, masculine, "get over it and get out there" energy in the world wouldn't help her. 

Because owning your self worth and leaning into love cannot be gotten from a webinar about building your list or a "how to" blog post. And I'm going to be controversial here. It can't be gotten from a "how to" Internet marketer masquerading as a coach either. 

Once you've reached a certain level of knowledge in any area of your life, if something is still holding you back from stepping into the greatness that you know, somewhere in your soul, awaits you, I'm going to bet it's not lack of information. It's something MUCH deeper. It's old stuff. It's history. It's the crust that has built up, over years and decades on top of the real you. 

That's why it takes the real work to make those real significant shifts. That's why it takes courage and heart and huge amounts of self love to uncover and undo those ancient blocks. It's no mean feat and it's not for the faint hearted. 

But you're reading this, so my guess is you're not so faint of heart. And that doesn't mean you're necessarily a warrior or prize fighter either. Some of those people are actually the most faint of heart because their aggressive ambition covers up their fear of going deep within. And on the flip side some of the most bold hearted people I know are introverted, sensitive, quiet souls. 

Elizabeth is one of those people too. A loving, gentle, kind, generous soul, who until she dove in and did the real work with me was stuck on the surface level, accumulating a lot of knowledge, expertise and experience but definitely not heading onwards and upwards towards the direction of her dreams, or owning her true full value.

And now her life trajectory has changed. In a miraculous instant, right in the middle of my 40 Days to Limitless programme she became unblocked. Old, old wounds were healed. Newer wounds were looked at and cared for instead of being brushed aside to become yet more old wounds. And just like that, the next level of incredible in her life opened up before her eyes. 

In real life that looks like transitioning quickly from a business she was good at but not in love with, to doing her life's work and feeling confident and excited about talking about it, approaching new potential clients with ease and speed, feeling good about charging her worth and feeling much happier and more fulfilled.

*I have changed my client's name because I value her confidentiality. The real work goes deep so it didn't feel appropriate to identify her personally, though she gave me her permission to. The story and the person are real but her name has been changed. 


I hope you've enjoyed this story and it's inspired you to do the real work that you know you need to do too, to start living your own limitless life. If you want to know more about doing the real work sign up to get my free video training The Three Keys to Unlock Your Limitless Life

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[LIMITLESS LIFE SERIES] How to Go to the Next Level in Life: Lean into Love

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[LIMITLESS LIFE SERIES] How to Go to the Next Level in Life: Lean into Love

The 3 months before I got married were my best ever months in business. I got married in whirlwind after I had opened up to love in a way I never had before. 6 weeks after my 28th birthday and just a year after I had experienced my spiritual revelation (profound meditative experience, struck to my knees in my living room with an undeniable clairaudient message from the Universe about my life purpose etc etc.) I had a thriving business as a spiritual life coach, had married my dream man (I was never the 'marrying' kind - so that part was a nice unexpected bonus!) was living in a lovely home with my new blended family (his daughter and my dogs) and all was well with life. 

Until I upper limited like a muthafucker. 

My husband started a new job right after we got married so we didn't have a honeymoon right away. I did book myself a few days "off" in my iCal though, as I thought I might like to not have to dive right back into work after getting married. A few days to soak it all in, y'know. 

Those few days came and went. The fog did not lift. Getting married had emotionally blindsided me in a way I was not expecting and I hit my upper limit hard. What I experienced was a terrifying mix of inner panic and outer paralysis. I no longer had the words to express my message, so I couldn't talk to my audience any more. I drew a blank whenever I tried to pull together a marketing plan for my business. My inspiration well ran dry and I couldn't so much as scrape a blog post or even a Facebook post, let alone a newsletter or anything more substantial together. 

My business came to a screeching halt - it was so young that I didn't have any passive income streams set up. So I took on a bridge job to keep my mind, body and bank balance ticking over. I had no idea what was happening to me. My only option was to surrender just as hard as I had upper limited. So I officially took a few months "off" from my business. Or rather a few months off from panicking about not knowing what the hell to do in my business.  

In that stillness, in that mental, emotional and spiritual space, I learned a whole new way to love. I'd had a crash course in active love over the last 12 months and now I was getting the slow 'n' low initiation into gentle, surrendered love. 

I released judgment and fear and in time allowed myself to look at the places in myself - and my business as an outpicturing of what was happening inside of me - that I had glossed over, missed out and shied away from. 

In that time and space I learned how to lean into love like never before.

True love requires trust and faith. True love does not require conditions or benchmarks. True love requires gentleness and generosity of the soul. True love does not require a crack of the whip and a hard and fast plan. True love requires openness to flow and connection. It does not require you to be anything other than who you already are. 

And in this time and space I allowed in one of the most incredible creative projects of my life: #HigherSelfie. (It started as the first and only spirituality un-conference sponsored by lululemon athletica and grew into a publishing deal with Hay House, and online curated platform, workshops, online courses, speaking spots at Hay House's Ignite and the MBS Wellbeing Festival and on and on.) 

And after #HigherSelfie and all its moving parts reached a crescendo earlier this year I felt the familiar fog of confusion. But this time I knew what to do. Instead of running scared, I leaned into love. 

So my advice to you if you have stagnated at a certain level in your life - even if it's a pretty awesome level as far as the world is concerned - here's what to do... 

Where you are afraid: lean into love.

Where it feels uncomfortable: lean into love.

Where your heart is closed: lean into love. 

Where you cannot see more for yourself: lean into love. 

The parts of yourself that you hide away and the places where you know you are playing small: lean into love. 

The phrase "playing small" has, in the world of self development, become an overused, clichéd and therefore a slimy and triggering (in a kind of gross rather than a helpful way). But for me it is simply a quicker, and yes, less elegant way of interpreting this teaching from A Course in Miracles:

"It is essential that you accept the fact, and accept it gladly, that there is no form of littleness that can ever content you. You are free to try as many as you wish, but all you will be doing is to delay your homecoming. For you will be content only in magnitude, which is your home."

You will be content only in magnitude. Is that not why you are questioning, seeking, working, discovering? Because you have seen and felt glimmers of magnitude in your life? The flashes of genius and the all encompassing upswell of love that consumes you when you have experienced a miracle?

That place is your home. And all you need do to find your way back is lean into love. 


My complementary video training - The Three Keys to Unlock Your Limitless Life - goes in depth on leaning into love and the other two keys to help you unlock your limitless life of magnitude. Go here to register and receive your link to watch xo  

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Fuck False Modesty

I've got a new hobby: doing FB Live streams! Last week was my first time and even though I was super nervous, I'm hooked! My heart was banging harder than when I put my video out on Youtube and FB announcing that I was becoming The Spirit DJ! (In it I addressed my mum and dad letting them know it was ok, I hadn't joined a cult. They still thought I had! LOL!)

Because I don't tend to do things by halves the subject of the FB Live was "Fuck False Modesty". It was part of a message I received in a massive powerful meditative download that I received that day. (I'll be sharing more of the download in the coming days and weeks and in what feels like it will be a whole new revamped version of my work, but today's slice of the pie is fuck false modesty.)

So here's what I mean by fuck false modesty: As a society (especially Brits and any other culture that is aligned with moaning, self deprecation and snark as a national sport) we have fallen prey to keeping our joy, our success and our positivity locked down, squashed, hidden away. Hiding our light under a bushel, if you will.

And it's bullshit.

When we hide our light, when we don't share our joy, our success, our positivity, unadulterated, we make it harder for others to do the same. And we make it harder for us to enjoy our own light too. Then we slip into an energetic gang mentality where anyone who brings their light out, gets energetically stamped on.

Or we use self deprecating humour and "failure" to justify our success.

Or we look for negative aspects of other people's lives so that we can feel ok about their declarations of success.

"I'm a great mum... But that's ok for me to say because my house is a mess."

"I'm making great money in my business... But that's ok for me to say because I'm always knackered."

"I have a fantastic healthy body that I love... But that's ok for me to say because I work really hard at the gym and spend 2 hours a day juicing."

Fuck. False. Modesty. Leave your but at the door. Bring your genuine, heartfelt, positivity out into the world for all to see. Let it lift others up and pave the way for more success, for you and for them.

(And yes, that is different to being a braggart and grossing everyone including yourself out, but you know where that line is.)

So what?

So lean into love, because only love is real. Dare yourself to share your light, lean away from fear, lean into love, leave your but at the door and fuck false modesty.

Awesome + awesome does not equal less awesome.

Joy + joy does not equal less joy.

Success + success does not equal less success.

Share your light and revel in other's light. Fuck false modesty.

 

If you're ready to fuck false modesty and totally own your light in a massively committed way, like you never have before, my new intensive programme 40 Days to Limitless could be for you.   It's a hardcore, no excuses, love punch of a programme that will change the game for game changers. It's not for the faint hearted and it's not a cheap programme because it's not a cheap  transformation. If you'd like to apply to find out if this programme could be the rocket launcher for your life and career that you've been looking for check out the application here: https://spiritdj.wufoo.com/forms/z19itivf1opyrak/

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Owning It

Last week I spoke on an FB Live about how important it is to really OWN your thing. The thing that you're super awesome at, unashamedly. No holds barred, no grossness, no sell and no need to convince anyone of anything, not least yourself. 

It's important for yourself and your own happiness of course, but it's also really important for the health of the planet and all its inhabitants. 

I believe that we were given the gifts we were given so we could use them in service of the higher good, not so we could be shy about them, hide them, deny them, be scared of them or question them. We were sent here in this physical form to serve, to light up, to give joy, to help and to love, using the resources at our disposal - the physical and the non-physical ones. 

And it's the hardest thing and the most common thing my tribe search me out for help with. They're all struggling to own their magnificence. Sometimes it's the fear of outshining, or the fear of being thought of as an idiot dick swinger for doing and being awesome. Sometimes it's because what they do isn't totally 'mainstream' and they can't explain it to their family, or because they can't even really explain it to themselves. They can't put into words what their magical combination of gifts and talents and skills actually is or does. Whatever it is, it always comes down to fear. It comes down to playing in the ego's domain, rather than Spirit's domain. They're relaxing back into the familiar feeling of fear, instead of leaning into the leading edge of love. 

It's like this: If you were sent here with a calling to do something that's because you were meant to do it. And yeah, you might find yourself bridge jobbing along the way until you can fully OWN your thing, and that's cool, as long as you know that it's a short term stop gap in the pursuit of a life long result. 

This next bit might trigger some of you and that's cool - it would have totally triggered me too once upon a time. The difference between the people who are already "doing it" and "making it" in this world is only about 1% down to talent and skill and who they know and about 99% to do with OWNING IT. You can have 10 years experience on them but if they're owning it and you're not, when you both walk into the same room, their energy will outshine your self-doubt and feed your ego and kick your Spirit in the nuts. 

When we're not owning it, we are in some way limiting ourselves. It can show up as a limit on money, on creativity, on love, on opportunities, and it's always ultimately down to a limit on connection. Connection to Source, Spirit, Big-G, The Universe, Mama Nature, whatever you want to call 'it'. 

And that's what I'm owning: I'm really really good at helping people get connected back to their Spirit. Getting them hooked back up with the hotline to God. Lifting their limits and popping their tops off. A couple of days ago I got my own top popped off and in its place I got a huge love punch of a download about my next level of owning it, and what I need to create and offer to bring that ownership into physical form so it can actually serve other people (as much as I'm sure you'd all love to pay to watch me meditate and get my top popped off! LOL!) 

So here it is. The thing I got guided to make: It's the most intensive kickass programme I've ever created. It will change the game for game changers. It's for you if you are stuck in a holding pattern, if your life is good, even great, but you know there's more. You've seen glimmers of brilliance but struggle to stay there for longer than a day, or a week, or two. It will unlimit your limitations. It's only for you if you're ready to dive into the work, two feet, whole heart, whole soul, no excuses. It's not a cheap programme because it's not a cheap transformation. It's called 40 Days to Limitless. 

If you feel drawn to doing this work with me and you feel like you want to know more, I'd love to talk to you. Here's the link to apply for 40 Days to Limitless: https://spiritdj.wufoo.com/forms/z19itivf1opyrak/

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The Body Does Not Limit The Spirit

The body does not limit the Spirit... A lesson in love that I learned this week when I said goodnight to my canine spiritual guru - my sweet greyhound Presto's body. 

When I first realised that it was time to help him transition I was inconsolable. By the time he went back home to Spirit I was at peace and understood that there was pain to be felt - we were so close and I missed his physical presence - but I couldn't be truly sad as I knew that it was simply time for his ageing body to rest and for the real self to return home. As Marianne Williamson would say - "the body is a suit of clothes" - a disguise we wear over our Spirit while we visit Earth. 

Our Spirit shines through whenever we allow it, and it shines brighter when we connect with it and nurture it. It guides us as long as we let it. It existed before our bodies and it lives on after our bodies are laid to rest. The body is an incredible tool, vehicle and home to be cherished, respected and grateful for, but it cannot and does not limit the Spirit xo


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Holier Than Thou: #EpicSpiritualFail

 People thought it was real. I didn't tell them it wasn't. #awks #badspiritdeej.

People thought it was real. I didn't tell them it wasn't. #awks #badspiritdeej.

Newsflash: I’m not enlightened. (“LOLZ! Tell me about it!” Came the roar from everyone who knows me personally!) And I won’t make assumptions about you my dear reader but I think it’s safe to say that despite all the fantabulous, totes spiritually hooked up folks I’ve met along this wild ride of a life, I’ve yet to meet anyone who is. The pic of me on Instagram with the Dalai Lama is in Madame Tussauds. That’s as close as I’ve got so far.

Any one of us on a conscious spiritual journey – and I say 'conscious' because we’re all on a spiritual journey, just some of us have figured it out and are helping the cause with meditation and shiz, and others are still in the figuring out stage – will know that, whatever your enlightening drink of choice, the point of all the soul searching, faith growing and miracle making is the attainment of inner peace, before the death of the human body. We all get there in the end, but some of us would like to get there, or at least experience glimmers of it, before the end. Hence the crystals, journalling, moon gazing and general “woo” on our Timelines.
 
So that said, it’s clear that the only difference between any of us and our spiritual journeys is a relatively small (in relation to the infiniteness of the Universe) amount of time. Even those who never 'get it', all actually get it in the end when the body, the suit of clothes, drops, and all that is left is the Spirit, free of the body and the Ego’s chains.
 
Yet in the so-called spiritual world – perhaps more so here than anywhere else, with a serving of bittersweet irony – an attitude of 'holier than thou' can creep in. It’s sneaky and insidious and totally Ego fuelled.
 
In a difficult, if recovering, financial climate and with a rising tide of hot rockin’ spiritual babes and dudes coming out of the closet, in a world full of apparent overnight successes, book deals, radio shows, glam trips to NYC, Thailand, and spiritual sabbaticals to Ashrams in India it can be easy to turn that which is meant to be your path to inner peace: your personal spiritual practice, into a bargaining chip for your perceived worth.
 
It might seem obvious (duh!) but I think it’s important to say. I’m calling out any 'holier than thou' nonsense because not only is it not cool, it’s not true. It’s not true because anyone who could legit wear the title His / Her Holiness would definitely NOT go around saying it!
 
My personal spiritual path, A Course in Miracles, refers to the Ego as a scavenger dog, always looking for scraps of evidence that would prove we are separate.  Separate from Spirit, from Source, from everything we hold dear, everything that is true and from the rest of the world. It would have us feeling like we're waves separate from the ocean… How terrifying would that be?! Teeny tiny little waves constantly battling and competing with the might of the rest of the whole ocean! #totesscary!

 Another mind blowing home made graphic. 9 years of training, studying and working in design was *not* wasted on me.

Another mind blowing home made graphic. 9 years of training, studying and working in design was *not* wasted on me.

And that, my sweet, is the origin of holier than thou' – or as we say over at #HigherSelfie – 'out spiriting' each other. It’s the fear of separation that drives the need to quantify and qualify that which is already innately within every one us, equally. That is to say spirituality, connection to the Big U, intuition and the ability to work and receive miracles.
 
There’s an incredible upswell of consciously switched on bright young things making the move into professional spirituality right now and it can be easy to allow our Egos to take hold and let 'little wave syndrome' ebb in (see what I did there?!), thus encouraging us to mark ourselves against one another with our Earthly plane spiritual credentials…
 
”She’s been qualified way longer than me!”
“He hasn’t even finished the ACIM text yet?!”
“Ugh! She’s already a Reiki Master and I’m only level 2.”
 “I’ve done Ayahuasca… Have you?”
“But can he talk to the animals?”


And don’t get me wrong, all the conscious growth, all the striving for greater depth and connection, all the learning and the practice is only taking us in one amazing, awakened, loving direction. But thinking that in any way our work makes us better, more spiritual or more enlightened than anyone else, at least temporarily, undoes all of it.

So once again I’m on my soapbox and I’m writing this piece as a call to arms. A call to loving, generous, open hearted arms, that sees the true capability in everyone - including ourselves. It’s important to know that an attack on ourselves and our own perceived 'worth' or 'success' is as much an attack on a child of the Universe, as it is if we do it to someone else.
 
If you are one of the 'conscious' ones, remember that ACIM says to teach is to demonstrate. And who is a teacher of God? (Substitute Spirit / Source / Universe here if you need to.) Anyone who wishes to be one. If it’s within you to spread love, faith, forgiveness and warm heartedness, drop the comparison, the measuring, the peacocking and just do it. Just be it.
 
There’s no point preaching. We are all the choir.
 
* Oh… And in case you needed any more convincing / reminding, just bookmark this video and skip to 1:58... Even the Dalai Lama farts. #keepinitreal


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